Wait! Don't Drink That! Its Not Corona!

Diagnostic Essay (Revised)

Ray Bradbury once said, “Half the fun of the travel is the aesthetic of lostness.” With my sister’s trusty Garmin GPS in hand (or perhaps I should say attached to the car window) and its 24 orbiting satellites directing me, I stepped into the car. With a map of the east coast resting on my lap, and my future roommate behind the wheel, I was ready to visit the college of my dreams!

June 11th 2009 started out a lovely morning, as Alex and I hugged and kissed his mother goodbye. Alex lived one block from the beach and the sea breeze tickeled my nose and filled my nostrils with a salt and fish smell. Piling into Alex’s red Forerunner, and finally rounding the corner, leaving home behind, we let out an enormous sigh of excitement.

We were two young men, future college freshmen, braving the vast interstate system of the United States of America—alone, with no parental supervision! I started the Garmin, chose the destination, 1235 University Blvd Steubenville, Ohio 43952, and picked the British female voice, Serena, to be the navigator on our first legitimate road trip. Alex and I were putting our trust in Serena to get us to Steubenville with out incident.

It seemed Serena was doing her job because we passed Richmond and Washington D.C. with no sign of traffic. That day was our lucky day to drive; it appeared we were receiving the blessings of the gods of the highway.

However, once we reached the Appalachian Mountains there wasn’t a convenient rest stop to be found anywhere. It seemed fate had made it my turn to drive right as Alex started doing a “pee-pee dance” like I’ve never seen done before. His bounces-and-sways were perfectly in sync with the ups-and-downs of the hills, and bends-and-curves of the windy mountain roads. It was as though the highway and terrain played a silent song for his “pee-pee dance.”

“What are you doing Alex?” I asked, “Stop squirming…its kinda distracting.”

“Dude, I have to take a massive leak! I don’t know if I can hold it. God, why can’t there be a bush near by?” He said in a concentrating tone, trying to keep his urine inside his bladder.

“Man, just hold it. You can’t possibly have to go that bad,” I said as he shot me the most evil glare I had ever seen cross his face. Bursting into laughter, I began to make water sounds and sing the Detrol jingle, to provoke his need to urinate. “Whoosh, Flush, flush, drip, drip…I gotta go, gotta go, gotta –”

“SHUT UP DEVIN!” Alex shouted with a pang in his voice.

“Man it’s really that bad, huh? Here use this,” I said as I emptied my bottle of water. After a few more minutes of convincing Alex that the bottle was better than his pants, he hopped in the back seat, got on his knees and did his business.

Just when he was about to wrap things up, the highway symphony that was conducting his dance threw in a bump and sure enough, urine splashed onto his pants. Alex had an all too classic pee stain on the front of his jeans!

Finally, we reached Cumberland and pulled in at the first Sheetz we saw so that I too could use the restroom. Alex and I got out of the care and walked into the restroom. As I headed for the urinal, Alex locked the door, took off his pants, and went to the hand blow-dryer to dry his pants. It was the most ridiculous thing I’ve seen in my life. Alex stood there for about 10 minutes holding his jeans and pressing the button every 20 seconds to turn the blower back on. Finished at last, I unlocked the door and headed out with Alex trailing me. Unaware that a line had formed, two men and a lady gave us weird glances as we exited the single person restroom. With our bathroom break over, and a very awkward moment behind us, we jumped back into the car and got back on Route 40 North.

As it turns out, Serena had an alternate plan for our trip, Alternate Route 40 North that is! “Um, Devin… I think I’m going the wrong way that sign just said Alternate Route 40…is that a good sign?” Alex said in a questioning tone.

“Nope, I think that means we’re lost.” I said. Serena finally let us down. Nearly twenty “recalculating routes”, five cliché small towns later, and a road that dead ended at a fence five feet from the highway we need to be on, Serena got us back on Route 40 North.

Three more hours of eventless driving got us to Steubenville, Ohio. Thinking we reached our destination, Serena took us down a road that led to a one way street with the university on the other side of it. Turning around, Alex followed Serena’s directions as she recalculated our route a few more times. It turned out, Serena and all the other Garmin GPSs in the world hate Steubenville, Ohio. One quick phone call to a friend named Rachel (who just happened to be living in Steubenville for summer classes) got us to campus. We parked the car, got out, took a look around, and completed our first road trip with a high-five still felt ten minutes later.